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Help!! [15 Nov 2007|05:17pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

Help me someone. I feel like dying.
I want to give up on life. It's too hard. Too
much pressure. Too much. Life is a
bitch. I don't want to live anymore.
So what holds me back? I don't
even know!! T-T Someone help this
pathetic girl...
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6 pages of dust (page 2) [29 Sep 2005|03:37pm]

[ mood | amused ]

...I take long, extremely hot showers. its the only time I can safely close my eyes. the only time I feel truelly alone...
I walk a lot. even when I had a licsense and a car, I walked for miles. I'd listen to music to forget. I went insane without music... Time will slow, even stop around me. everyone and everything but me. then, Violently rush back to the present as if nothing had happened. Voices of myself that no one could hear. hating, angry, sad, utterly destructive things,(-edited out quotes-)... I hated to hear the truth, but I know it is. so I escaped in music. but I could never escape from her voice... I think she's my Angel sent to await my death. so she can bind my soul to this corpse forever...

these pages of my life are distant as well as recent and are things I felt at the time they were written... stay tuned for installment #3!!! coming soon!!!

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"6 pages of dust" (page 1 as written) [26 Sep 2005|01:59pm]

my day begins when I awake. I pull my knife from beneath my pillow. I look at this power I now hold steady in my hand, the power to decide. I close my eyes. my heart pure, I lift its well kept blade to my neck. as it rests, cold to my skin, eyes still closed, remembering moments... as the memory I relive gets violent, my stength falters. my eyes fly open in tears that will no longer rain. I am ashamed only that I am a coward and cannot have the courage to push in and drag the knife across my skin, and maybe finally have some kind of peace. it disturbs me so to think that I want no part of this world, yet I can't move on and end my disgustingly imperfect body's misery and pain and sufffering....(2B continued)
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[12 Aug 2005|09:32pm]

Hey everyone,

My name is Rachel Sarah, and I just created this new community rainbowsofhope. It was created as a place where you can talk about your problems and make friends along the way. Please feel more than free to join.

My appologies if this sort of thing isn't allowed.
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[22 Apr 2005|07:28pm]


ok look i need help!!!!! my brother has been in a lot of trouble lately. He just spent 4 monts in jail and hes at it a again. Hes into drugs really bad and he cant stop. And he has been hook on this girl since he got out. I think its just because he was away for so long and love the attention she gave him. But she's a lot younger than him and likes to play head games and he can't take it. I think he might be to the point of giving up. I'm even worrie that he might try to OD. Well the thing i need help with is that the police have an attachment out for his arrest and we tmhink he might do something stupid very soon ..like running. Well my mom was thinking about turing him in so noting worse will happen but she doesnt know if she could live with the guilt. So i really need your advice on what we shold do. PLEASE RESPOND!!!!
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PROMO! [09 Apr 2005|06:10am]

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uh? [13 Apr 2005|12:36pm]

[ mood | hopeful ]

Are fat kids welcome?

1 comment|post comment

[29 Sep 2004|01:04pm]

i just found out he cheated on me a year ago when we were still together.

why can't i stop scratching myself?

why won't the bleeding stop?

why does it feel so good?
1 comment|post comment

[11 Jun 2004|06:41pm]

life is interesting at this point i want out...
too many people are leaving me... and i'm so confused,
i'm worried i don't want to be here forever....i want to leave,
i want to leave,
i want out.
3 comments|post comment

If not now, when??? [07 May 2004|09:46am]




For years now, we've been hearing the same thing from the Human Rights
Campaign, Barney Frank, and their political bedfellows over and over:
“You're not ready...there aren't enough votes in Congress to support a
transgender-inclusive Employment Non-Discrimination Act or hate crimes
protection bill. No one understands you, more education is needed. Just
wait, be patient, we'll fight for you when the time is right. ”

We always suspected it, and now we know it for a certainty. They've been
lying through their teeth, and not just to us.

It all started in the last week of April, when transgender activists of all
stripes descended on Washington, DC. I was there, as both a journalist and
a participant. The National Transgender Advocacy Coalition's Lobby Days
event, where the organization spent two days lobbying Congress for the
inclusion of gender identity and gender expression protections in the
Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) and the hate crimes bill, boasted
an active and committed group of transgender activists. GenderPAC (GPAC)
was there, holding its National Conference on Gender, the Transgender
American Veterans Association (TAVA) was gathering for its March to the
Wall, and a team of transgender activists drawn mainly from the membership
of Out For Democracy –Transgender met with the GLBT Outreach leaders of
both the Kerry campaign and the Democratic National Committee, the first
time such a meeting has ever taken place.

Literally hundreds of politically-active Transgender Americans had come to
our nation's capital to be seen, be heard, and to send a clear message to
our country's leaders that we will no longer be invisible, ignored, or
silent. The history books will record these days as the moment our
community truly came out of the closet, as a valid minority constituency,
as a political force, and as a community, with a social, political, and
cultural identity all our own.

As is so often the case with breaking news stories, this one started with
just a small kernel of information, but grew and grew, spiraling ever
upward and outward...

The kernel was the stunning tidbit NTAC lobbyists heard when visiting the
office of a major Republican co-sponsor of ENDA. When asked if the
congressman would be willing to support a version of ENDA that is inclusive
of gender identity and expression protections, a closely-placed source
responded, “If HRC would just get on board with this, it would be so much
easier. ”Those in many other congressional offices, while generally
supportive of protecting Transgender Americans in civil rights legislation,
were curious as to why HRC isn't supporting a trans-inclusive ENDA.

The seed expands and bursts, takes root, and begins to sprout...

More information began to trickle in. We learned that HRC has been
pressuring GLBT advocacy organizations that have historically been very
supportive and proactive in fighting for civil rights legislation that
includes gender identity and gender expression protections to abandon their
support of our community and support the non-inclusive “gay and lesbian
only ”bills HRC has been promoting. We also learned that most of these
organizations are resisting HRC's efforts to curtail their support of
Transgender Americans...most, but not all.

The sprout grows, its leaves unfurl and expand. The stalk lengthens,
raising the still tightly wrapped bud toward the sun...

At about 2:30pm DC time on Friday, April 30th, a group of about 15
protesters, some wearing Transsexual Menace t-shirts, along with documentary
filmmaker Tim Watts and his cameraman Kwan, there to record the protest for
inclusion in their upcoming documentary film about Lobby Days and
transgender activism, arrived at HRC headquarters and began picketing on
the sidewalk outside the lavishly appointed building. We held signs with
slogans proclaiming “These T's Are Not Silent! ”, “Separate and Unequal! ”,
“GLB...Where's the T? ”, “HRC...Where Are We? ”, and “Ten Years of
Exclusion ”. We stood, we marched, we chanted our slogans, and waved our
signs at the shiny floor-to-ceiling HRC office windows for about half an
hour, until an HRC representative came outside to invite us all into the
building to talk.

Some of us immediately realized that what they were trying to do by
inviting us all inside was to take the protest off of their sidewalk and
out of public view, so we sent Gwen Smith, the well-read community
columnist and webmistress of the Remembering Our Dead website, and Ethan
St.Pierre, host of the Internet radio show Trans-FM, into the building with
the HRC rep while I and the rest of our group remained outside and
continued the protest.

A few of those entering or leaving the building and passers-by stopped to
ask us what was going on, and we told them. It was street-level education
at its most effective, if perhaps not at its most efficient. We let these
folks see the faces and hear the voices of a community HRC has been doing
everything it can to marginalize and disempower in the interests of
exclusively promoting the equal treatment and civil rights of its mostly
wealthy, mostly white, mostly straight-looking, mostly gay male major donor
base while, at the same time, publicly proclaiming itself an advocate of
Transgender Americans, and supportive of our equality and our civil rights.

Inside the building, Gwen and Ethan met with several HRC folks, who offered
them cold water (which they refused), soothing, inclusive platitudes of
“open door ”policies and tales of tearful meetings discussing trans
inclusion, and the promise of yet another upcoming discussion of a
trans-inclusive ENDA to take place sometime this summer, all with Tim and
Kwan keeping the microphone hot and the camera rolling despite the
objections of the HRC reps.

When Gwen and Ethan emerged from the building, we wrapped up the protest
and headed back toward the Dupont Circle Metro station, where we went our
separate ways, most heading back to the train to reunite with the groups
they'd come from to join us.

Finally, the bud blossoms into fullness, spreading its petals and revealing
the true colors of its face to meet the light of day...

It wasn't until after we'd all returned to our respective homes days later
that we learned the true impact of what we'd done. Our little protest,
small in number though we were, hadn't gone unnoticed. Soon, Gwen and Ethan
began receiving messages from other segments of the GLBT community that HRC
has failed to support and represent fairly and honestly because they don't
fit the organization's conservative public image. Drag queens, leather
community members, and gay groups from as far away as Louisiana all checked
in with statements of solidarity and support for the protest and its message.

We also learned that we'd just happened to show up to protest on a day when
HRC was holding a fund-raising event for some of its major donors.
Apparently, the event had to be quickly moved to another location, no doubt
to avoid having to answer inconvenient questions from these folks about why
we were out there. Yes, boys, girls, and everyone else, the Goddess is
trans-inclusive, even though some of Her children aren't.

So, you might ask, what happens now?

This, my friends, is just the beginning. The first step is this, the column
you are reading right now, and what you'll soon be seeing, hearing, and
reading from a variety of media resources about what happened and what we
learned in DC, what we're going to do about it, and how you can help make
it happen.

There will be more columns and more protests. You'll hear about it on
community radio shows, you'll read about it in GLBT newspapers and on
websites, and your community needs you to do your part. Call your
Congressman, call your Pride Center, call your friends and neighbors. Tell
them you're not going to support HRC or their elitist political games and
ask them not to do it, either. If you're a member of HRC, rip up your
membership card, send it back to them in pieces, and tell them why you're
doing it. Don't buy another t-shirt or donate another nickel to these
people until they're willing to truly honor the words emblazoned on the
wall of their obscenely opulent office building:

Working for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender equality

At long last, our time has come. We've grown up as a community, as a
political force, and as a culture. We've seen through the lies, the
misrepresentations, the double-dealing, and the thinly-veiled bigotries. No
longer will we sit quietly and idly by as others promote themselves and
their own fair and equal treatment at our expense. We are speaking out, and
our voices are being heard, on the street, in the media, and in the halls
of Congress. And as we are speaking, so are we listening.

We know the truth now.

The time of lies is over.

These T's are NOT silent!
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[10 Apr 2004|01:14am]

i am in a living hell. i miss my baby so much. i love him wanted him and care for him. everynight i send him kisses. i am losing control. i miss my baby
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i'm new.... [03 Apr 2004|09:20pm]

[ mood | cold ]

i'm here... don't know why but it may be a good idea to vent... my "best" friend has ditched me for her boyfriend for last two monthes and we're drifting apart... my other best friend got back together with his girlfriend and has yet to tell me... i heard through a friend of his... wut did i do to deserve this? i'm sorry if i hurt them.. i never ment to... i love you all...


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Why is life such a bitch?? [01 Apr 2004|05:27pm]

[ mood | shocked ]

Well Im new my name's Bon and well I hate my life. I don't wish to die or kill anyone I just hate it... im living a lie and well I have to say so is everyone around me. I want my parents to be happy and I want to have so peace in my life... it just won't happen. My dad died when I was 3 months old and my mom married my step dad who's great and well I'll tell you he understands me more than my own mother.Let me start from the beginning.

Alright well it was a few weekends ago and it still hurts, my mom and dad had ben fighting about my step-sister and college and well my mom didn't want to pay the full tuition she figured my step-sister's mom could pay for some of it ( I agree) well then she stared yelling about how my dad never loved and how she worked for other people's ids. I hate that she said he didn't love her because that jsut means she doesn't see it. Well anyways she got her purse and said she was leaving and told me she would come visit me "SHE LEFT ME!" I was so upset I couldn't breath and wellshe didn't come back for an hour. I stayed in the basement and listened to them scream at each other (they never fight) I can't stand a divorce I can't stand to go through another move and well my mom sh.. she left me I mean does she even love me? what did I do? I just want them to be happy I want her to apoplgize is that wrong?

Please someone give me some advice!

Am I wrong?


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Incest Survivors Community. [19 Mar 2004|04:33pm]

Please use descretion and be polite in regards to the following lj community announcment, thesmilingmasks.

This is a community for those who have suffered from incest, sexual abuse at the hands of a family member, etc. I would like this to be a safe and comforting atmosphere in which we can try to help each other heal from our experiences and to deal with the difficulty of living in the same house as those who have hurt you. Please respect the privacy and safety of the members of the community.

P.S. It is currently up for debate within the community as to whether we will be accepting members who are not survivors of incest, but as of now, please do not attempt to apply unless you are.
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I'm new....Hi.... [24 Dec 2003|07:33pm]

[ mood | pissed off ]

Here goes nothing....

Divorce?Collapse )

Him and my parents have always said during the 21 years of being married, "Divorce is in our vocabulary."
Bull fucking shit. It's not in my mom's anyways. 

5 comments|post comment

*waves* [18 Nov 2003|03:30pm]

[ mood | worried ]

Hey there, i myself am not gay but i have a question that i hope you may be able to help me with... (sorry its kinda long, but i'm trying to give you as much info as possible)...
The situation:
My boyfriends younger brother, Ryan, is gay and doesn't know how to tell his brother, Andrew (my boyfreind).

A little background on whats been going on so far:
Ryan has already 'come out' to his mum, most of his freinds and oldest brother Craig, they were all fine with it, not a single problem but he has not yet told his dad and older brother (my boyf).
His mum told his dad, who was devestated and cried. Ryans dad was raised a Muslim but does not practice the religion (he is not strict about any traditions etc and did not raise his children Muslim) but this may have played a big part in his reaction, as homosexuality is not spoken of where he is from and is practically the death sentence. His dad is now in denial about the whole situation, he is not and has not been spiteful or hostile, he just doesn't speak of it, acknowledge it etc.

Okay, so back to the original question...

His older brother, Andrew has never been very accepting of homosexuality. He has never been abusive, never been cruel or harmful to gay people just not personally accepting. We have some openly gay freinds who he is fine with as long as they don't speak to detailed about relationships, issues etc.
I feel Andrew would see something like this as some sort of failure (on his part as an older brother etc) and an embarressment. He is in the Armed Forces so i guess he would also fear work friends and higher ranks finding something like this out. (yes the forces like to pretend they are accepting of homosexuality and bisexuality but they are NOT, something like this WOULD be used against people, even if it was an auntie's cousin's brother who was gay, they would still play on it.)
I am truly in two minds about how i think he would react, anyone else he would just laugh, joke it off, but be okay with it, but when its his own brother, thats a different story, suddenly its personal, especially when he is not the most accepting / open minded. BUT THEN, on the other hand this is his younger brother, they are VERY close and it would kill him to not speak to him. Also they are living together at the moment (with others, myself included).

These three brothers are very close and this sort of thing has the potential of turning bad which could very likely tear them apart, which would be devestating for his family, myself, freinds and especially Ryan.

This has been on my mind for awhile as i know it is something that has to happen but i know when it happens things are going to be different for awhile... any help, ideas, suggestions about how he can come out to his brother, or how i can help the situation, ways i can be there for my boyf etc
(sorry for the crossposting)

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yup... [09 Aug 2003|11:36am]

[ mood | crazy ]

Hi, I'm new. I heard about this community from being_homeless *points below*, and I love the idea of having a place to talk about my illness without getting the typical and snarky answers from the oh-so-enlightened. :)

I'm 19 years old and I can't stop thinking that I'm only 17, since I lost two years to an array of mental conditions---insomnia, psychosis, depression, anxiety, OCD, cutting, drug abuse, schitzotypal disorder, etc etc.

I'm generally friendly and a little sarcastic, and I try my best not to whine. Nice to meet you all. *grins*

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[02 Jul 2003|12:23pm]

[ mood | bored ]

hi! I'm new, so I figured I'd introduce myself.
I'm 22, female, disabled and homeless. Life is tough on the streets, but it's even tougher being young and disabled... I got in a car accident 2 years ago that left me with a brain injury, broken neck and seizures.... I couldn't hold a job (I lost 9 jobs in 16 months) due to cognitive problems from the brain injury. without income I lost my apartment....

I guess thats my intro. feel free to read my journal. i'm open about most things in life....

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musings [17 Jun 2003|12:26am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

Therapy does help a little but...

I wonder sometimes if there is more...
its like a dictation inside my head I hear/see sentances, paragraphs, entire speaches
long before I'm even past the first word... its like an entire alternate form of
emotionless feelings, as if I feel what I think I'm supposed to but the emotion thats
supposed to be behind the feeling just isn't there... its like I know I've said this same thing a hundred times before in a different way each time, but its wierd 'cause I don't really know if anyone understands what I'm going through... I'm not even sure if I do... I'm so self-destructive I don't know how it is I'm still alive, but I'm here fighting for some sort of self-control, but nobody taught me how... I don't know how to ask for help anymore, everytime I tried I was betrayed by the person... I have no trust nor love for anyone, not even myself... maybe I'm selfish to want such things as someone to love or even just to trust them, or to be understood, or to even want to kill myself and release myself from such selfishness, but that in itself is selfish... so where do I go from here?

Kyle and his

2 comments|post comment

[12 Jun 2003|02:36pm]

[ mood | crappy ]

Hello. My name is Margaret, and i'm 14.

I was put on anti-depressants about six monthes ago when I attempted suicide. That's when they diagnosed me with chemical depression.

Anyways, I'm a cutter, I've been doing a lot later, latley. But, yeah.

Add me and I'll add you back.

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